I feel as if my hear has been pierced. After over a year of not seeing each other my friend Thea and I finally made a deal for when we should hang out. Then she had to cancel because of work. I understand, I know what it's like with work. What surprised me most was that I didn't burst into tears, I felt a small pain in my chest but that was all. Only until I recognized that the pain would come later. And then I wrote this (note: translated from danish)
Maybe I've learned not to look forward to anything anymore. Because if you're not excited about something to happen, you won't get disappointed when it doesn't. Your heart can't be broken and the tears can't sneak up on you. They're right, tears are warm. But I do know why we slide further and further apart, why destiny cancels everything and sucks out the joy. It's because of time, the definitive scapegoat. It forces us to separate, walk new paths, meet new people and forget where we come from and who we let down. Sometimes I stumble upon the thought that I might not be strong enough to live because time will rule my entire life and this is just the beginning of all the people who'll forget me. I rarely forget, I go through our memories, relive them once again, look at pictures from where you are now and cry. Devastated, and even if you say that'll you'll always be there for me it's a lie, which makes me think. Maybe it's wrong to trust anyone, anyone at all a full 100%, trust and love, a soulmate, someone to mirror yourself in, some who understands EVERY LITTLE signal you send out. If only they had died, but they haven't and you can never relive a memory. Things like school assignments, money and dust, it all seems so useless and out of importance. How can one enjoy the moment that way? My heart longs after someone to comforted by, but a little place inside of me only knows so well that it'll become a memory, a memory I'll later cry over and which can only be replaced by a new and even more hollow memory until I die.
So when I had finally accepted the fact that she wouldn't come I got a text, today at about 3.30pm asking me whether I had plans. I said no, called a billion times and haven't heard a thing from her. She's like a kidnapper your negotiating with, you only have contact when she wants it and to be frank I find i kind of funny :) it's one of her things, it has it's own charm. At some point there's still a little light lit inside of me, she can still come. She's one of those 'it's never too late' types which I love. But the pain it's just.. It's like someone's piercing my chest, slowly and with a lot of pressure.